JoJo's Bizarre Adventure

Starting off with the main characters! Multistage stands will have all of their alt forms ranked separately for the sake of fairness.

11: Tusk Act 1

[Image ID: Tusk Act 1 is a bright pink creature that looks like a plushie. There is a large cartoon yellow star on the center of its forehead and many smaller stars scattered across its body. It has stubby arms and no legs. It has floppy ears and four whisker-like protrusions on both sides of its face. It has a worried, somewhat pathetic expression. End ID.]

Marketable plushie lookin’ ass.

10: Tusk Act 3

[Image ID: Tusk Act 3 is a bright pink metallic humanoid. It has a large square head that connects directly to its broad and rectangular torso. Its limbs are spindly and clearly segmented. Its hands appear to be flat discs and its feet flat triangles, both have three long spikes protruding from the undersides. Its shoulders resemble large ball joints and have yellow cartoon stars on the sides. It has a pair of small antenna with small purple balls on the tips. There are small, yellow cartoon stars on its upper torso and lower legs. End ID.]

Change up the colors and this thing the world’s ugliest sleep paralysis demon.

9: Hermit Purple

[Image ID: Hermit Purple is a seemingly endless string of purple thorny vines. The vines are about the thickness of an adult's finger and the thorns are large and predominant. End ID.]

It’s just vines. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. Comes with Joseph’s slut energy built in. It’s cool that it’s purple, I guess?

8: Tusk Act 2

[Image ID: Tusk Act 2 is a bright pink mechanical creature. It has a large round head that connects directly to a small segmented torso. A short flat spine connects its torso to a legless ball joint that’s equal in size to its head. Both its head and ball joint have yellow cartoon stars on either side. Its arms are about the same length as its small body and its hands are robotic pincers. It has a pair of large antenna with large purple balls on the tips. End ID]

Johnny, you have 4 stands and almost all of them are ugly as sin wtf man. The design is finally fun so points for that at least.

7: Crazy Diamond

[Image ID: Crazy Diamond is a large, very muscular, humanoid with slight mechanical features. There is white/blue armor plating over his major muscles, but besides that his bright pink skin is mostly visible. He is wearing a helmet the same color as the plating and from above you can see that it’s heart shaped. There is a heart shaped plate on his abdomen and a matching smaller heart on his chin. End ID.]

Now we’re getting into the fuckable stands babyyyy!

Crazy Diamond is just a tad much. His colors are okay, the hearts coordinating with Josuke’s design are cute. But then there’s the plating, the helmet, the tubes(??), and he even suffers from jjba Codpiece Syndrome. It’s all a bit much and doesn’t quite fit. In some of the anime promo art they gave him a sparkly diamond texture, but besides that I don’t care for him all that much.

6: Star Platinum

[Image ID: Star Platinum is a large, very muscular, humanoid with long black hair. His skin is light purple and blue with two yellow lines running up his body as accents. He is wearing a white scarf, loincloth, gloves, and boots. He is also wearing yellow shoulderpads. End ID.]

Using the Diamond is Unbreakable palette because of all the Star Platinum colors those are the best. The pastels are cute and make for a fun contrast with the big muscles.

An oldie but a goldie. Because Araki hadn’t gotten his footing with stand designs yet Splat looks more unique in retrospect. Hair and clothing, capable of facial expressions, a tasteful loincloth as opposed to Another Fucking Codpiece.

I also think it’s cute how artists like to draw him with starry hair :]

5: Gold Experience Requiem

[Image ID: Gold Experience Requiem (GER) is a slim yet muscular, metallic humanoid. His dark gold skin resembles an insect’s shell and he is covered in small, orange, rectangular markings. His face is locked in a grimace and his eyes are bright purple. The requiem arrowhead is embedded in his forehead. End ID.]

GER? This guy fucks. There’s simply no other way to put it. He fucks so hard. Unfortunately, points have to be redacted for that dead eyed stare and unmoving grimace. GER could be so much higher if he didn’t have such an awful baked in expression, and this will become an unfortunate running theme throughout this series. Maybe if GER had more screen time that could have been mitigated, but alas…

4: Stone Free

[Image ID: Stone Free is a slim yet muscular humanoid. Compared to the other humanoid stands listed here she has a noticeably female build. Her skin is light blue and is accented with gray dots across her arms and legs. She is wearing bright green sunglasses. End ID.]

One of the few female stands, which sucks because Araki goes off with girl stands. Just look at her. The blue accented by gray, the radical bright green sunglasses, the sexy hints at her string powers, she even complements Jolyne nicely if stand/user synergy is needed. She’d probably be higher up if we saw more of her. Araki prefers to show off her powers via having Jolyne psychically unravel which is fun and cool! But does mean this beauty didn’t get enough time to shine.

Not sure how I feel about the bumpy texture as it tends to makes things look a bit busy.

3: Tusk Act 4

[Image ID: Tusk Act 4 is a large, broad shouldered humanoid. His skin is somewhat metallic and the same shade of pink as the previous Tusks. He has a golden horseshoe on his forehead and his eyes are black stars. He has small stars on his arms and a thick pair of star shaped shoulderpads. His cowboy boots have two medium stars on the shins and one large star on each kneecap. End ID.]

Finally!! After 3 shit stands Tusk strikes gold in the final hour. It’s weird, it’s pink, it’s got (jo)stars it’s a cowboy, what more could you want??

More screen time goddamn it!! Tusk Act 4 gets like two-and-a-half physical appearances across 2 full parts. Araki, wtf man. Tusk Act 4 just fucks so hard though, so its gotta be top 3.

2: Soft & Wet

[Image ID: Soft & Wet is a light blue robotic humanoid. His torso is heart shaped and has a large picture of a cartoon boat anchor. The boat anchor is dark blue and the “chain” runs up the center of his neck and face, stopping at his forehead. His only other facial features are his screw-like eyes, and a pair of short cylindrical “horns” where his ears would be. His limbs are spindly and clearly segmented, and his joints appear to be held together by small tubes. End ID.]

YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH!!! NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL A FUCKABLE STAND! Soft & Wet is the platonic ideal of a main character stand. Fun mechanical parts. Cute little face. The Stand Tubes finally serve an aesthetic purpose and aren’t just awkwardly tacked on. He also has such pleasing colors and silhouette. I love him so much and he’s easily one of the best, cutest, most sexy stands in all of jjba.


Soft & Wet has 3 variants and they all look the same. Base Soft & Wet, Josefumi’s Soft & Wet, and GO ★ BEYOND are identical. So many good multi-stage stands and Soft & Wet drops the ball on every level.

1: Gold Experience

[Image ID: Gold Experience is a slim yet muscular humanoid. His general silhouette and angles are much softer than GER’s, and the insect-like patterning is limited to minimal armor he wears on his chest, forearms, lower legs, and codpiece. He has bright green ladybug shaped brooches on the sides of his hips, the backs of both of his hands, and on his chest armor over his pectorals. His eyes are the same bright green and he has white facial markings that resemble large teardrops. He is wearing a helmet. End ID.]

Gold Experience is not just fuckable, he’s horny. Nonstop, everyday, all the time GE is Down To Fuck and the sheer confidence of it all overpowers the few negative aspects of his design. Yes, even the Fucking Codpiece.

GE has more than 1 facial expression and a sexy alt form to mix things up. He pairs with Giorno perfectly. He’s got a lot going on with the loud colors, ladybugs, wings, helmet, teardrop markings, vague insect texturing, and hints of The World. But unlike Crazy D it all ties together. Amazing. Flawless. Unbelievable.

And if you don’t get what I mean when I say GE is horny. BEHOLD:

[Image ID: Four pictures of Gold Experience posing with his user, Giorno. Giorno is a Japanese-Italian teenager with long, intricately braided, blonde hair. He’s wearing a school uniform that’s been modified to have a heart shaped boob window, and has matching ladybug brooches on his pectorals. 1st picture: They are floating in space. Giorno leans in from the left and above, while Gold Experience comes from the right and below. Gold Experience is looking up at Giorno, and Giorno is looking at the viewer. Their cheeks are touching. 2nd picture: Giorno is standing and facing the viewer head on, and Gold Experience is behind him. Gold Experience’s arms are thrown over Giorno’s shoulders, and he is tilting his head into the side of Giorno’s face. 3rd picture: They are lying face up on the ground side by side. Gold Experience is resting his head on Giorno’s shoulder and has his arm lightly wrapped around Giorno’s head. 4th picture: They are face to face. Gold Experience is leaning in as is going for a kiss, but Giorno is holding up his hand to push Gold Experience back. Giorno is looking at the viewer, but Gold Experience is in profile, focused only on Giorno. End ID.]

In every one of his Iconic poses he is ready to FUCK! The horniest stand for the horniest part. This is how it was meant to be, godbless and goodnight.